let me get a little deep here for a minute...

lately i have been feeling very unsettled.
yes i'm stressed about school and all the stuff i need to do before my mom/bro come visit and before i go to germany...but it's deeper than that. like something isn't right between me and God.

this past friday night the thomas road choir sang for charles billingsly's live recording concert. it's really cool to watch people worship from my view in the choir loft. we had a great night of worship and you could really sense that God was working in everyone there...except me. i sang the words, and i meant them, but i didn't really feel like i'd met with God. everyone walked out of there with a "holy hangover" but my mind was elsewhere.

another thing i've been dealing with a lot lately is feeling insecure. the more my friends get to know me, the more open they are about pointing moments when i am true to myself...if you understand what that means. and in doing so, i am coming to see things i thought i knew about myself in a new light...things i don't necessarily like about myself and want to change but don't know how to change/don't fully believe i can change...and i feel insecure.

i also have been feeling a lot of loneliness lately. like everthing is very surface level between me and my friends. yeah there are a few deep talks, but not as many as i feel there should be. there have been many nights where i've sat in a restaurant with a huge group of people - all of whom i'd call my friends - and feeling completely alone.

so last night i was laying in bed praying. begging God to put a stop to the unrest in my heart. i wanted to be able to worship uninhibited, but i felt like there was something in the way. He revealed to me that it was my insecurities that were getting in the way of us. i was no longer looking to Him as the One to complete me...i was looking to people. they were my security, the thing that defined my identity. God also gave me the realization that the more time i spent with them, the more intense the insecurities got.

so i was challenged. does this mean i need to give up these people who i care about greatly? i don't feel guilty when i'm with them so i don't really think so. but i need to do something to change my mentality. who defines who i am? who gives me worth in life? why would i put something that important into the hands of a human? that's just dumb. they're just going to fail.

so that's what i'm trying to do. give my insecurities back to God. take the issues in my life and allow Him to work with them and shape me into the creation He wants me to be. i'm not really sure how to do that or what it looks like, but i'm trying. and praying for conviction when i don't do it.