really bad.
and every day people nod their heads and say things like "oh i'm sure you do" or "yeah moving home must be quite an adjustment" and act like they understand how i feel. and maybe they sort of do...but i'm not gonna like...it doesn't exactly help.
i'm sick of having no job.
i'm sick of being told i'm not working hard enough to get a job.
i'm sick of missing out on my friends lives because they are busy and/or live far away.
i'm sick of the lazy bug that WILL NOT leave me alone.
i'm sick of not having a life. period.
and if i have to hear my wonderful loving mother tell me "it will all unfold" one more time...
i'm sick of being told i'm not working hard enough to get a job.
i'm sick of missing out on my friends lives because they are busy and/or live far away.
i'm sick of the lazy bug that WILL NOT leave me alone.
i'm sick of not having a life. period.
and if i have to hear my wonderful loving mother tell me "it will all unfold" one more time...
it's all just a constant reminder of how i've failed. how i haven't measured up in some way. how i'll never live up to my potential.
whether it be a job
my social life
songwriting
exercising
whatever.
i'm not living up to my potential.
i'm not really sure where the disconnect happened but all i know is that when i was in virginia, i was working hard, i was purposed, i was growing and excelling, and i was happy! here in michigan...i'm not. and worse - i feel like by not returning to virginia, i'm missing out on opportunities to grow and further myself and have a decent chance at "success".
my mother is right when she says "it will all unfold". it's just frustrating to hear it over and over and see nothing unfolding. i wonder what God is doing. i'm questioning why He sent me back here...if i even misunderstood Him or something...i KNOW God is sovereign and His plan is perfect but honestly...my head and my heart are pretty far from each other right now.
1 comment:
Emma,
I know this will not be much tangible comfort, but this "disconnect" you describe is TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY NORMAL for where you are right now ~ that is, just graduated but not working in your field (yet). There is NOTHING wrong with you! You have NOT failed to live up to your potential. At least not yet. ;-)
You are in a valley, and valleys are low and full of shadow. The good thing is, they force us to look up and cling to what we know is true in the light.
Here's the truth. And I'm not just saying this because I'm biased. You are a beautiful, amazing woman that God made, with a unique blend of skills and abilities and talents and interests and frustrations that no-one else has. You would make an amazing employee at almost any job (even food service, but we won't go there) ;-) GOD HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU. He never makes mistakes. He works ALL things together for good. ALL things. Not some things. Not just in VA. ALL THINGS, ALL THE TIME, EVERYWHERE, NO MATTER WHAT. No, I am not shouting, just emphasizing. :-)
He has you here for a reason. I know that's a cliche, but it's still true. If it were up to me I'd have you back in VA in a heartbeat, because that is where you want to be. But that's why I'm not God. Do you not think that perhaps God can do things in you HERE, that He can't do in you in VA? Are you seeking Him hard?
I don't know what His plans are for you here. But I do know that He loves you waaaaaay more than anyone else, and I know that He doesn't make mistakes.
So, I'm going to stop preaching at you now since this is all stuff you know anyway. Instead I'll pray for your encouragement, and that you'll be surprised by joy tomorrow, and that you will persevere in seeking God. As you seek God, you will find what He has for you.
I love you, my spit-bonded friend!
(and I totally and truly feel for you missing VA, and hope I didn't come down too hard)
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