faith

i often find it very discouraging when God does not "answer" my questions. i wonder if there's something wrong with me - like do i have unconfessed sin? are there idols in my life? like there's something keeping me from hearing His voice.

but lately i feel like God is reminding me in the "silence" that i am to wait. to move only when He tells me to move. like the Israelites following the pillar of fire - i will stay where i am until He moves and only then will i follow.

in a way i think waiting is actually harder than moving. it's hard to hear silence or "wait" for so long. i begin to doubt myself and the validity of this "plan" i'm stuck in the middle of and am basing my life around. it's easy to share with others the direction you are heading, but it's much more difficult to tell people "i'm just waiting to see what's next" and actually maintain a scrap of self-esteem. i feel like people don't really get it when i (or anyone else) lives their life unconventionally. i have to constantly remind myself that i'm NOT a failure. i'm just different. and being different is okay because i'm basing my life around God's direction.

HOWEVER

i don't want it to seem like i'm making excuses and taking the easy road...

BUT

i really shouldn't care what other people think ;)

i am reminded of Abraham and his great faith that drove him to follow the unseen God on a journey that really made no sense to anyone else. i think that in a way it takes just as much faith to just wait. Like the Israelites in captivity - I can't understand why i am where i am or why certain things happen, but He has given me His Word and His Promises and i am called to trust that. and really i'd much rather trust in Him who is all truth and sovereignty than my own pathetic excuse for a plan :)