self-care

it's a bit of a buzzword these days. with the insane pace of activity and the heightened awareness of mental illness, the internet has all sorts of things to say about self-care. mostly encouraging people to be more self-aware and to take control of their time, to limit what they say yes to and to incorporate healthy rhythms into their lives.

at the beginning of october i entered a season of self-care. i wasn't calling it that, didn't even label it as self-care until a few weeks ago. i just knew i had roughly 7 weeks of no major events or travel coming up and saw it as an opportunity to practice self-discipline in some areas in my life i felt were lacking - sleep scheduling, regular exercise, and healthy diet. i wanted to become a stronger, healthier person and i thought these areas would be key in achieving that.

i felt confident going into this. i had proven to myself before that i could establish a new, positive habit a few years ago when i started reading the Bible every day. days were missed here and there but this habit has remained fairly consistent in my life. i am now 6 weeks into this "self-care" process and i've made a few observations along the way:

1. sleep scheduling is a for real thing.
it took about a week to get on a schedule, but it happened. i know that my body requires 8.5-9 hours of sleep a night. So if I wanted to get up at 6:30, bedtime was 10pm., which meant that i needed to start getting ready around 9:30. if the lights went out at 10, i wouldn't have much trouble getting up at 6:30. that's a big IF. for a while i was doing pretty good, but sometimes things go later into the evening or things would come up and bedtime would get pushed back and then i wouldn't be waking up on time. and then i wouldn't have enough time for my workout/be rushed to get to work and then i was stressed and feeling like a failure.

2. eating late at night makes it hard to wake up in the morning.
this is pretty much common knowledge but i observed easier waking up on mornings where i didn't eat after 8pm. sometimes this can be tricky as i'll work late and not get home until close to 7 and then still have to cook dinner. super frustrating.

3. exercising at home is waaaaaayyyyy more efficient than going to the gym.
going to the gym is a whole thing. you have to get ready, drive, do your thing, drive home, shower, etc. plus you're (at least i am) paranoid the whole time of what people think of how you look. also means you need to look semi-presentable. exercising at home i can wear whatever is comfortable no matter what it looks like. plus it's more time efficient. luckily i've been working from a dvd program that had multiple workouts so i don't get bored doing the same thing every day.

4. exercising in the morning is THE.ONLY.OPTION
the day just gets away from me and if it doesn't happen in the morning routine, it's not going to happen.

5. eating healthy is time consuming and boring.
it doesn't help that i basically hate cold food and all types of salad. i don't consider myself a picky eater, but cold food just does not satisfy me. maybe this is another area where i need to be retrained...
i enjoy cooking, but i have a tiny kitchen and i tend to be clumsy which means every time i cook, it's a whole thing. it takes a long time and it makes a big mess. and scrubbing pots and pans by hand in a tiny sink is not my favorite.
***disclaimer***
"eating healthy" was the last challenge i tried. i intentionally waited until i felt i had established a good routine with the sleep and exercise. and honestly, i'm not sure i ever changed much about my diet other than not eating late at night. i've always tried to make healthy choices - it's the snacking and portion control that get me. i did try to add more fruits and veggies into my diet and sometimes it happens...sometimes it doesn't.

6. forming new habits while living alone is hard.
you have zero accountability. i was also (and still am) not interested in reaching out to friends for accountability because all my friends are much more health-conscious than me. most of them run and like salad. no thank you.

7. hormones have the ultimate say
period and ovulation mean increased appetite and cravings. pms means fatigue (oversleeping) and anxiety (stress eating).

8. self-care has made me selfish
i feel like i'm thinking about myself all the time and i'm constantly disappointing myself. i'm not sure how not doing this would make me think about others more and make me less selfish, but i don't like constantly obsessing over this...and yet i feel like i have to. my biggest anxiety trigger is feeling rushed - the sleep scheduling plays a huge part in controlling that anxiety. my biggest insecurity is my appearance - the diet and exercise are supposed to help build my confidence. plus, as you get older it's important to take care of your body. but this whole idea of "what's best for me" is so inward focused and i'm not super comfortable with that. i get that there's merit in taking care of your mind and body, but how much of my energy should be spent on that?
***side note***
i've noticed a decreased interested in my relationship with the Lord during this season. not sure of the connection there but just an observation.

overall thoughts as this season is coming to a close:
I've done really well not eating after 8pm. Sleep scheduling and exercising have been okay. If i miss a work out it's likely only due to oversleeping. Overall diet has not changed much. I'd like to continue being intentional on these things, but i need to be cautions to not obsess.

accountability would probably help too, but let's be honest, my pride is too high right now to pursue that :(