it's a bit of a buzzword these days. with the insane pace of activity and the heightened awareness of mental illness, the internet has all sorts of things to say about self-care. mostly encouraging people to be more self-aware and to take control of their time, to limit what they say yes to and to incorporate healthy rhythms into their lives.
at the beginning of october i entered a season of self-care. i wasn't calling it that, didn't even label it as self-care until a few weeks ago. i just knew i had roughly 7 weeks of no major events or travel coming up and saw it as an opportunity to practice self-discipline in some areas in my life i felt were lacking - sleep scheduling, regular exercise, and healthy diet. i wanted to become a stronger, healthier person and i thought these areas would be key in achieving that.
i felt confident going into this. i had proven to myself before that i could establish a new, positive habit a few years ago when i started reading the Bible every day. days were missed here and there but this habit has remained fairly consistent in my life. i am now 6 weeks into this "self-care" process and i've made a few observations along the way:
1. sleep scheduling is a for real thing.
it took about a week to get on a schedule, but it happened. i know that my body requires 8.5-9 hours of sleep a night. So if I wanted to get up at 6:30, bedtime was 10pm., which meant that i needed to start getting ready around 9:30. if the lights went out at 10, i wouldn't have much trouble getting up at 6:30. that's a big IF. for a while i was doing pretty good, but sometimes things go later into the evening or things would come up and bedtime would get pushed back and then i wouldn't be waking up on time. and then i wouldn't have enough time for my workout/be rushed to get to work and then i was stressed and feeling like a failure.
2. eating late at night makes it hard to wake up in the morning.
this is pretty much common knowledge but i observed easier waking up on mornings where i didn't eat after 8pm. sometimes this can be tricky as i'll work late and not get home until close to 7 and then still have to cook dinner. super frustrating.
3. exercising at home is waaaaaayyyyy more efficient than going to the gym.
going to the gym is a whole thing. you have to get ready, drive, do your thing, drive home, shower, etc. plus you're (at least i am) paranoid the whole time of what people think of how you look. also means you need to look semi-presentable. exercising at home i can wear whatever is comfortable no matter what it looks like. plus it's more time efficient. luckily i've been working from a dvd program that had multiple workouts so i don't get bored doing the same thing every day.
4. exercising in the morning is THE.ONLY.OPTION
the day just gets away from me and if it doesn't happen in the morning routine, it's not going to happen.
5. eating healthy is time consuming and boring.
it doesn't help that i basically hate cold food and all types of salad. i don't consider myself a picky eater, but cold food just does not satisfy me. maybe this is another area where i need to be retrained...
i enjoy cooking, but i have a tiny kitchen and i tend to be clumsy which means every time i cook, it's a whole thing. it takes a long time and it makes a big mess. and scrubbing pots and pans by hand in a tiny sink is not my favorite.
***disclaimer***
"eating healthy" was the last challenge i tried. i intentionally waited until i felt i had established a good routine with the sleep and exercise. and honestly, i'm not sure i ever changed much about my diet other than not eating late at night. i've always tried to make healthy choices - it's the snacking and portion control that get me. i did try to add more fruits and veggies into my diet and sometimes it happens...sometimes it doesn't.
6. forming new habits while living alone is hard.
you have zero accountability. i was also (and still am) not interested in reaching out to friends for accountability because all my friends are much more health-conscious than me. most of them run and like salad. no thank you.
7. hormones have the ultimate say
period and ovulation mean increased appetite and cravings. pms means fatigue (oversleeping) and anxiety (stress eating).
8. self-care has made me selfish
i feel like i'm thinking about myself all the time and i'm constantly disappointing myself. i'm not sure how not doing this would make me think about others more and make me less selfish, but i don't like constantly obsessing over this...and yet i feel like i have to. my biggest anxiety trigger is feeling rushed - the sleep scheduling plays a huge part in controlling that anxiety. my biggest insecurity is my appearance - the diet and exercise are supposed to help build my confidence. plus, as you get older it's important to take care of your body. but this whole idea of "what's best for me" is so inward focused and i'm not super comfortable with that. i get that there's merit in taking care of your mind and body, but how much of my energy should be spent on that?
***side note***
i've noticed a decreased interested in my relationship with the Lord during this season. not sure of the connection there but just an observation.
overall thoughts as this season is coming to a close:
I've done really well not eating after 8pm. Sleep scheduling and exercising have been okay. If i miss a work out it's likely only due to oversleeping. Overall diet has not changed much. I'd like to continue being intentional on these things, but i need to be cautions to not obsess.
accountability would probably help too, but let's be honest, my pride is too high right now to pursue that :(
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Sunday, August 14, 2016
what do i think?
been asking myself that question a lot recently, about various things - some minute and some pretty huge.
having an opinion has always been a touchy thing for me. i'm paranoid of alienating anyone due to a contrasting opinion and i cope by either choosing to have no opinion, or by allowing the logical thought processes of others to construct my opinion. and i'm realizing that forming my own opinion is hard - not only being able to answer the question, "what do you think?", but also being WILLING to answer it.
i'm a sucker for flattery too. it's easy to base an opinion on what others think, especially if it makes you look/feel good. but even if what they say is true, do i agree? i think there is definite value in wise council as well, but that's all it is - council. that unless it is spelled out in scripture, i can take or leave.
this is an area where i need to be better. not only better, but braver. it's scary to dig deep and gather all your thoughts and feelings and combine them with truth and facts and form an opinion. and it's even scarier sometimes to share your opinion, dare i say, defend your opinion.
i can think of only a few instances in my life where i have had an independent opinion and acted on it. too often these days my opinions are influenced by the agendas of others and it's wearing me out.
#latenightmusings
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Story
I love a good story.
A novel.
A movie.
A tv show.
Even another person sharing what they did last week.
Like most people, a good story hooks me and draws me in.
I live a pretty simple life. Work each day at a job I love, occasional extra-curriculars in the evenings, weekends of chores/errands/time with family. I try to travel as much as possible, to "live life" the best I can on a limited income. I don't have a significant-other or a ton of friends begging for my time. I live alone. And I can't get enough of a good story.
And lately, I've been wondering if my addition to a good story is reflective of my own life being a dull story.
I'm pretty picky about the stories in which I invest myself. The biggest rule is //nothing sad//. No sad endings, no tragedy, no bio-pics about the holocaust, genocide, etc. No war or crime-fighting. Nothing that puts humor to a series of unfortunate events, nothing about disease or loss or depression or anything SAD. And definitely no romance that does not end with the couple together.
The books/movies/netflix I devour in my spare time are full of life and love and laughter, adventure and experience, beauty and bravery, overcoming obstacles (and alliteration?)...everything I feel my life is not.
And so I wonder if I am turning to these sources of "entertainment" to fill a void in my life. A void of living a good story.
//Story// is a buzzword these days. It's a hip, trendy term used alongside words like //fulfillment// and //purpose//, Even in the church phrases like //living a better story// are on par with //being a committed follower of Jesus//.
But I guess my confusion lies in this: even though I strive to live my life in a way I believe to be pleasing to God, pusuing the life of a disciple, I find that the lives of the adventurers and lovers and overcomers in the stories are more appealing to me. I don't think this is a yearning rooted in my sinful nature - that I'm missing out because I've chosen to follow Jesus. I just feel like maybe I'm not living up to my full potential. Like my story is supposed to be more interesting.
Maybe I'm just bored.
Or maybe I'm struggling with contentment.
But I think the desire for adventure and love (giving and receiving) is ingrained in us as humans, as God's prized creation. We are made in his image and are a reflection of his character - which is full of love and joy and boldness, and never fear. Which makes me think that if I'm not experiencing those things, that perhaps I'm missing something.
A novel.
A movie.
A tv show.
Even another person sharing what they did last week.
Like most people, a good story hooks me and draws me in.
I live a pretty simple life. Work each day at a job I love, occasional extra-curriculars in the evenings, weekends of chores/errands/time with family. I try to travel as much as possible, to "live life" the best I can on a limited income. I don't have a significant-other or a ton of friends begging for my time. I live alone. And I can't get enough of a good story.
And lately, I've been wondering if my addition to a good story is reflective of my own life being a dull story.
I'm pretty picky about the stories in which I invest myself. The biggest rule is //nothing sad//. No sad endings, no tragedy, no bio-pics about the holocaust, genocide, etc. No war or crime-fighting. Nothing that puts humor to a series of unfortunate events, nothing about disease or loss or depression or anything SAD. And definitely no romance that does not end with the couple together.
The books/movies/netflix I devour in my spare time are full of life and love and laughter, adventure and experience, beauty and bravery, overcoming obstacles (and alliteration?)...everything I feel my life is not.
And so I wonder if I am turning to these sources of "entertainment" to fill a void in my life. A void of living a good story.
//Story// is a buzzword these days. It's a hip, trendy term used alongside words like //fulfillment// and //purpose//, Even in the church phrases like //living a better story// are on par with //being a committed follower of Jesus//.
But I guess my confusion lies in this: even though I strive to live my life in a way I believe to be pleasing to God, pusuing the life of a disciple, I find that the lives of the adventurers and lovers and overcomers in the stories are more appealing to me. I don't think this is a yearning rooted in my sinful nature - that I'm missing out because I've chosen to follow Jesus. I just feel like maybe I'm not living up to my full potential. Like my story is supposed to be more interesting.
Maybe I'm just bored.
Or maybe I'm struggling with contentment.
But I think the desire for adventure and love (giving and receiving) is ingrained in us as humans, as God's prized creation. We are made in his image and are a reflection of his character - which is full of love and joy and boldness, and never fear. Which makes me think that if I'm not experiencing those things, that perhaps I'm missing something.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
What I'm...
***What I'm eating this week: last weekend I made this and have been thoroughly enjoying it this week.
***What I'm reminiscing about: got to hang out with some old college-mates last night and play music and there was much reminiscing about college-days.
***What I'm loving: these earings I bought from #francescas
***What I've been up to: apartment-hunting in dtp
***What I'm dreading: another year of church & school sharing the worship space. I try to be thankful, but it's hard when sharing is more difficult than it should be. that's all I'll say here :)
***What I'm working on: getting organized for the new piano teaching year
***What I'm excited about: 4 days in Boston with my BFF next week!
***What I'm watching/reading: SYTTD re-runs, a book called "The Rosie Project". New Girl needs to come back!
***What I'm listening to: Nichole Nordeman's new ep on Spotify
***What I'm wearing: athletic shorts, tshirt, lounge-sweater-thing
***What I'm doing this weekend: checking things off my to-do list (this was on it), going to the lake, Sunday worship, packing for Boston!
***What I'm looking forward to next month: nothing super exciting happening in September, but since September is technically almost "this month", I'll talk about October :)
In October, I'm going to see Josh Groban sing his covers of Broadway classics at the Fox Theater, my BFF will likely be moving back to Michigan for a winter assignment, Pentatonix is releasing a new album of all-original music, and I may be moved in to an apartment by then.
***What else is new: got my hair did
Monday, August 17, 2015
Perfect love casts out all fear...
//there is no fear in love//
//i'm no longer a slave to fear/i am a child of God//
//no fear can hinder now the love that made a way//
//my fears are drowned in perfect love//
//just throw off your fear and come running to Me/I loved you before you knew what was love//
//i will not be afraid/for my hope is in His name//
//perfect love casts out all fear//
these are the lyrics that have been permeating my psyche over the course of the past weeks.
i've been working through some fear and anxiety in a few different areas of life and put together a playlist of songs intended to inspire me to courage and bravery and confidence in Christ. and it has to some extent. but it's also caused me to meditate on this idea of fear and love with thoughts such as...
is love the opposite of fear? technically, the opposite of something is the complete lack of that something, so wouldn't it make more sense for the opposite of fear to be courage or bravery or confidence? so that technically someone who is without fear is fearless?
and then isn't hate the opposite of love? so that someone without love is loveless or hateful?
where is the connection? how do these two words really tie together??
what about trust?
if i say i love God, then i have faith in Him and strive to obey Him, i trust His will for me and therefore if i am trusting i have no reason to be afraid. and isn't worry really a reflection of a lack of faith? a lack of trust?
so if fear = lack of trust and love = trust, then that would make sense that fear and love are indeed opposites.
am i overthinking this???
so i went to the source. to the Word.
here's my takeaway:
"He has given us of his Spirit..."
The literal presence of God (love) colliding with my sinful self (fear), CONQUERING it, and creating that new identity centered in Him.
it's like our sermon a couple weeks ago on righteousness - imputed righteousness - we are made perfect through Christ's sacrifice (that positional identity), BUT we are still working out that righteousness as we follow Jesus.
So here's my application:
In the days and weeks and months to come, as I encounter fear and anxiety (as I most certainly will), I will reflect on these truths: that my identity as a child of God and the presence of the Holy Spirit in me are the love that is greater than the fear my human flesh is feeling. having that foundation will allow me to then lean into the characteristics of God as my defender and conqueror and allow me to truly understand what it means to be brave, confident and courageous!
//i'm no longer a slave to fear/i am a child of God//
//no fear can hinder now the love that made a way//
//my fears are drowned in perfect love//
//just throw off your fear and come running to Me/I loved you before you knew what was love//
//i will not be afraid/for my hope is in His name//
//perfect love casts out all fear//
these are the lyrics that have been permeating my psyche over the course of the past weeks.
i've been working through some fear and anxiety in a few different areas of life and put together a playlist of songs intended to inspire me to courage and bravery and confidence in Christ. and it has to some extent. but it's also caused me to meditate on this idea of fear and love with thoughts such as...
is love the opposite of fear? technically, the opposite of something is the complete lack of that something, so wouldn't it make more sense for the opposite of fear to be courage or bravery or confidence? so that technically someone who is without fear is fearless?
and then isn't hate the opposite of love? so that someone without love is loveless or hateful?
where is the connection? how do these two words really tie together??
what about trust?
if i say i love God, then i have faith in Him and strive to obey Him, i trust His will for me and therefore if i am trusting i have no reason to be afraid. and isn't worry really a reflection of a lack of faith? a lack of trust?
so if fear = lack of trust and love = trust, then that would make sense that fear and love are indeed opposites.
am i overthinking this???
so i went to the source. to the Word.
"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we
might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as
an atoning sacrifice for our sins...This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:9-10, 13-18 (NIV)
might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as
an atoning sacrifice for our sins...This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:9-10, 13-18 (NIV)
here's that last part in the Message paraphrase:
"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love."
here's my takeaway:
God is love. by definition.
my identity as a child of God and Christ-follower is a life of love. by definition.
fear is simply a life lacking love, a life lacking God. and God-love trumps fear because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4)
and how do I live into this truth?my identity as a child of God and Christ-follower is a life of love. by definition.
fear is simply a life lacking love, a life lacking God. and God-love trumps fear because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4)
"He has given us of his Spirit..."
The literal presence of God (love) colliding with my sinful self (fear), CONQUERING it, and creating that new identity centered in Him.
it's like our sermon a couple weeks ago on righteousness - imputed righteousness - we are made perfect through Christ's sacrifice (that positional identity), BUT we are still working out that righteousness as we follow Jesus.
So here's my application:
In the days and weeks and months to come, as I encounter fear and anxiety (as I most certainly will), I will reflect on these truths: that my identity as a child of God and the presence of the Holy Spirit in me are the love that is greater than the fear my human flesh is feeling. having that foundation will allow me to then lean into the characteristics of God as my defender and conqueror and allow me to truly understand what it means to be brave, confident and courageous!
Friday, June 27, 2014
Social pressure...
Read this awesome article today and wanted to share it via social media, but feared what others might think. So I'm sharing it here because no one really checks this :)
I wouldn't say my mind is set in stone but this article is definitely where I'm at right now and the culture in which I live makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do.
Monday, May 19, 2014
2014 Goals Re-visited...again!
So...haven't touched base on these since March, but May works too I guess :)
1. Be debt free by the end of the year.
- 8 more loan payments and 10 more car payments should do the trick!
- still on track!! yep!!
2. Put at least 20% of my monthly pay into a savings account to be used for travel and taxes.
- was able to put aside a bit over 20% of February's income!
- still plugging away! was blessed to not have to dip into savings on my last tax payment so will be able to take a trip to Nashville to visit P&K!
3. Eat one serving of fruit and one serving of veggies every day.
- i am failing royally at this. i sip on orange juice most mornings, and often have veggies in the pre-prepared meals I cook and eat throughout the week, but other than that...not great.
- still about the same here. But i'm observing that my body is responding a lot more negatively to dairy than it used to so that might inspire some changes :/- forgot i even wrote this :/ lately i've been struggling in that i feel like i'm going out to eat ALL THE TIME. and the vast majority of the time it is work-related. i love eating out - it's overall more fun, but it's also a huge time suck. plus i find it way more cost effective to eat food i've pre-prepared. however, it's difficult to be assertive in this when you're preferences are the minority opinion of the group :/
4. Take my vitamins every day.
- i was doing really good with this and just this past week fell out of the routine.
- mostly doing this - yes.
5. Make more strides with the artist thing.
- Vague, I know. My initial thoughts with this are to somehow sell a good portion of the scores of cds sitting in my basement. I plan to explore doing shows at local churches throughout the year - both of the artist and worship type. Before pursuing that, I need to develop a purpose statement for each type.
- i did take some steps with this, including the purpose statement and developing a contact list. I talked about the possibilities with a few people I know personally, but nothing more than brainstorming the potential or lack thereof.
- this was sort of put on hold...I'm facilitating the planning of a multi-church Good Friday Service at work and several of the churches I intended to try and play shows at are involved with this service. I feel sort of strange approaching them about this opportunity during this show planning. Maybe I just need to get over that. I've had a couple people ask me recently if I was still writing and planning to play any shows. I really do want to make this happen, but it seems like other things have squeezed into higher priority. Might need to reassesss...
- since the conclusion of Good Friday and the Easter season, i have been more intentional on this. i spent time going through all my "unfinished" songwriting work and spent time finishing pieces on my own and with assistance. i am actively in the planning process for a special concert that is set to take place in the next few weeks. stay tuned!!
6. Spiritual accountability.
- Not totally sure how this will play out but I know that some changes are necessary in order for me to be an effective ministry leader.
- strides have been made here! i followed God's leading to reach out to a wonderful woman at my church to disciple me and she heartily agreed! she has brought some wonderful study to the table where we are exploring what it means to be consecrated to God. it is shaping up to be an eye opening process but I am so excited for what's in store!
- Have had a few meetings now with my discipler and they have been wonderful! we are discussing what it means to be consecrated to God and holding each other accountable for the implementation of our convictions. She's encouraged me into a more intentional Bible-reading plan so that I'm developing a better habit of being in the Word daily which is great. We are also memorizing Scripture together :)
- still enjoying my regular meetings with my disciple-r! this is a far better fit for me than the group study method I was pursuing last fall (though that might be great for others!). it's so helpful to be able to talk through ministry and inter-personal struggles with a WOMAN in ministry. we are growing in our relationship and i look forward to continued growth. it is a comfort zone challenge for me to be truly open and honest on a DAILY basis (not just in our meetings) as we pursue life in a discipling community.
1. Be debt free by the end of the year.
- 8 more loan payments and 10 more car payments should do the trick!
- still on track!! yep!!
2. Put at least 20% of my monthly pay into a savings account to be used for travel and taxes.
- was able to put aside a bit over 20% of February's income!
- still plugging away! was blessed to not have to dip into savings on my last tax payment so will be able to take a trip to Nashville to visit P&K!
3. Eat one serving of fruit and one serving of veggies every day.
- i am failing royally at this. i sip on orange juice most mornings, and often have veggies in the pre-prepared meals I cook and eat throughout the week, but other than that...not great.
- still about the same here. But i'm observing that my body is responding a lot more negatively to dairy than it used to so that might inspire some changes :/- forgot i even wrote this :/ lately i've been struggling in that i feel like i'm going out to eat ALL THE TIME. and the vast majority of the time it is work-related. i love eating out - it's overall more fun, but it's also a huge time suck. plus i find it way more cost effective to eat food i've pre-prepared. however, it's difficult to be assertive in this when you're preferences are the minority opinion of the group :/
4. Take my vitamins every day.
- i was doing really good with this and just this past week fell out of the routine.
- mostly doing this - yes.
5. Make more strides with the artist thing.
- Vague, I know. My initial thoughts with this are to somehow sell a good portion of the scores of cds sitting in my basement. I plan to explore doing shows at local churches throughout the year - both of the artist and worship type. Before pursuing that, I need to develop a purpose statement for each type.
- i did take some steps with this, including the purpose statement and developing a contact list. I talked about the possibilities with a few people I know personally, but nothing more than brainstorming the potential or lack thereof.
- this was sort of put on hold...I'm facilitating the planning of a multi-church Good Friday Service at work and several of the churches I intended to try and play shows at are involved with this service. I feel sort of strange approaching them about this opportunity during this show planning. Maybe I just need to get over that. I've had a couple people ask me recently if I was still writing and planning to play any shows. I really do want to make this happen, but it seems like other things have squeezed into higher priority. Might need to reassesss...
- since the conclusion of Good Friday and the Easter season, i have been more intentional on this. i spent time going through all my "unfinished" songwriting work and spent time finishing pieces on my own and with assistance. i am actively in the planning process for a special concert that is set to take place in the next few weeks. stay tuned!!
6. Spiritual accountability.
- Not totally sure how this will play out but I know that some changes are necessary in order for me to be an effective ministry leader.
- strides have been made here! i followed God's leading to reach out to a wonderful woman at my church to disciple me and she heartily agreed! she has brought some wonderful study to the table where we are exploring what it means to be consecrated to God. it is shaping up to be an eye opening process but I am so excited for what's in store!
- Have had a few meetings now with my discipler and they have been wonderful! we are discussing what it means to be consecrated to God and holding each other accountable for the implementation of our convictions. She's encouraged me into a more intentional Bible-reading plan so that I'm developing a better habit of being in the Word daily which is great. We are also memorizing Scripture together :)
- still enjoying my regular meetings with my disciple-r! this is a far better fit for me than the group study method I was pursuing last fall (though that might be great for others!). it's so helpful to be able to talk through ministry and inter-personal struggles with a WOMAN in ministry. we are growing in our relationship and i look forward to continued growth. it is a comfort zone challenge for me to be truly open and honest on a DAILY basis (not just in our meetings) as we pursue life in a discipling community.
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