i realized something in my voice lesson the other day (yes, voice class again!).
i am tense.
he said that when i sing he can hear the tension in my voice and he asked me to relax. so i did. at least i thought i did. then he did this weird exercise where he held my hand and swung my arm around while i sang. the idea was for me to let my arm become limp and let it go wherever he swung it. again, i thought i was doing this. but every few notes he would stop me and say he could feel me tensing up and to relax. he said that because my shoulders and neck were tensing up, it was making my voice muscles tense.
and then he used the word.
surrender.
"surrender it to me" he said (in reference to the arm). "give me all the control"
and it was like the voice of God coming down and slapping me in the face...once again. it seems like God is really speaking to me in voice lessons.
but back to the swinging arm...
it was really really hard to give up complete control of my arm and sing at the same time. like, i tried and tried and it seemed like the more i tried to relax and surrender my arm to him, the harder it got.
i have been feeling very tense overall lately. i'm feeling very tired and overworked and i have a lot going on. so in classic emma style...i become ocd about time management and obsess over how and when i'll get everything done. my mind is constantly racing and my body is tense. relaxing doesn't really seem like an option for me right now...because then i wouldn't be in control of the situation.
so basically that little "surrender" line hit me square in the face.
God wants me to surrender my tension to Him. He doesn't want me to bear this burden and do it all on my own. He wants me to have freedom!
but...then i wouldn't be in control of the situation...EXACTLY!
ouch.
i don't know what to do about this.
someone asked me once "what does it mean to surrender?" and i, in an attempt to give a decent answer defined it as "giving it up" or "letting go" or "relinquishing control"
but i am a very systematic minded person. i work by a step-by-step methodology. i cannot think of a step-by-step procedure for surrender. and that frustrates me because i can't really grasp doing it any other way. but wouldn't doing it my way be keeping me in control??? sigh.
what do you think?
what does one do to surrender something to God???
4 comments:
well...
if you really want to learn a lesson, you ask Him to teach you.
but that's a mighty big prayer.
and He WILL answer it.
and you will love and appreciate the lesson once it's done. but you might not like it when it's being taught.
does it get down to what you really believe about Him though?
is He big enough, perfect enough, trustworthy enough to TRUST? either we believe He is or we don't.
i pray this a lot (a LOT): "Father, help me believe. help me trust." cuz i can't do it on my own strength.
this was a very great and challenging post. thanks for sharing it.
p.s. i think it's really interesting that God is teaching you so much in voice class... the class that's probably the most personal to you. since you were a toddler, your voice has been such a huge part of who you are.
p.s.s. love you.
haha i had that thought too about voice class. i guess God knows that it's sensitive to me and that i'll listen :)
Praying for peace works for me too. If I can hold on to the peace that He gives me, I don't have to hold on to the other stuff.
For me, surrendering something to God is a minute by minute process and it involves quoting Bible verses a LOT. This summer I struggled terribly with fear over the safety of my children. Every single time fear would try to consume me, I would stop and tell God that I trusted Him completely, and ask Him to help me trust Him more. I would give the fear to Him. Every. Single. Time. And some days that was several times an hour. I said "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind" over and over and even sang one line of a Steve Green children's song over and over. Maybe you could select one verse that really speaks to you about this issue and memorize it and say it to yourself whenever you sense yourself taking back control? Another thing that really helped me was forcing myself to let my kids do "risky" things (like swim) when everything in me was screaming to keep them inside. So what, specifically, would a surrendered situation look like for you? Force yourself to do those things. And perhaps since music is such a huge part of your life, you could play a "tape" of your favorite surrender song in your mind over and over (you probably already do that one). This was a great post, Emma. Very honest and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing a part of your heart.
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