chaos calls to chaos...

this has been quite an interresting couple of days. i have had a lot of frustrations about various things brewing inside and yesterday they all just exploded out. sigh.

i found out yesterday morning that the husband of a close family friend passed away very suddenly the day before his son's high school graduation. a mere few hours later i attended the funeral for the junior high student who was killed in the dirtbike accident. i hated every second of it. i know everyone hates funerals but i really think i hate them more than the average person. they make me sick to my stomach and it takes everything in me to even walk into the room. it was even worse yesterday because i did not know this boy and i did not know his family. my first time seeing him was in a casket. i was a stranger and i did not feel like i belonged or that i needed to be there. that combined with the news of my family friend's death made the afternoon miserable.

i started thinking about what possible benefit there could be for anyone in me attending that funeral. all i could come up with was "this is ministry". okay. well maybe this is another sign that i'm not cut out for church ministry. i delt with the drama of church politics last summer and watched people be misunderstood and hurt and wanted nothing to do with it. it makes me question: am i really not cut out for church ministry and should i plan on ministry in another setting? or is the Lord testing and preparing me and i'm just getting scared and thinking of running away from His plan for me?

it's questions like these that are really making it hard for me to pursue a job search. it's hard to begin looking for a job when you have no idea what the heck you want to do. yes i have this degree. yes i feel called to worship ministry? but in what capacity? worship leadership in a church setting? a camp or school setting? a traveling ministry setting? or should i further pursue developing my gifts in songwriting and arranging? or should i try doing both? where do i start?

i've also been struggling with missing my friends. staying in touch with so many different people is so difficult. especially when my mornings come so early and i am trying to avoid staying up late at night. and especially when i'm living in a house with no wi-fi internet.
not to mention the ongoing frustrations and struggles with finding a good worship leader niche at my internship...

but God is good.
i was able to have a good conversation (venting/crying session) on the phone with my parents last night. and then roy and norma opted to go out to eat and we ended up at this fancy japanese steakhouse (one of those places where they cook the food in front of you) and then going to see Robin Hood. it was a very fun night out and i was truly able to relax and not think about all the tension.

psalm 42 is probably one of my favorite moments in all of scripture. it was the inspiration for one of my songs last year and even now it shows me something new each time i read it. i'd always had a bit of a hard time understanding what v. 7 meant, but i think i'm beginning to understand. here's vs 7-11:

deep cries out to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls;
all Your waves and breakers have swept over me.

by day the LORD directs His love,
at night His song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life

i say to God my Rock,
"why have You forgotten me?
why must i go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
my bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me saying to me all day long,
"where is your God?"

why are you so downcast, o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God,
for i will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

here's how the message translates v. 7-8:

chaos calls to chaos to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, Your thundering breakers crash and crush me.

then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs through the night!
my life is God's prayer.

i'm not going to lie. it's been very hard for me to see God's hand this week. not only in the two tragedies i've been connected with, but in my general day-to-day frustrations as well. but this is what i've learned:

sometimes God has to overwhelm and frustrate us just so He can remind us how much He loves us. to remind us that no matter how well we think we can handle things, that He is the only one who, like a loving mother, can comfort His child and sing them to sleep at night.

tomorrow morning i'm leaving odessa with the high school youth group and heading to camp in glorieta, new mexico. it's an 8 hour drive and it's at the foothills of the rockies. supposed to be beautiful...and a little bit cooler too ;)
almost positive i won't have internet and i'm not sure about the cell service so i probably won't update till next week.

thanks so much for all the prayers and encouragement!