life goes on

even when our world is shaken...time doesn't stop. not for me. not for anyone. the clock keeps ticking and the days keep passing by. there is still work and responsibility. for goodness sakes - there's a whole future!

and yet i still go to bed feeling sad every night.

i want to move forward with life but in a way i feel guilty. like i'm moving on without him. leaving him behind. the clock stopped for him (and lucky him - he is no longer bound by it)...but it still kept ticking and carrying me along. leaving him behind.

i wanted him to be there. to walk with me along the way. to be my sure thing. to have all the answers. his strong hands and warm embrace. his wisdom and experience of life.

with him i was safe.

really it should be my heavenly father who takes on this role. he's the one who should have had it in the first place. but isn't it my heavenly father who set the example for my earthly father?

i'm so scared.

and i don't know what i'm scared of.

and all i can hear is my dad telling me how i shouldn't let fear hold me back. how i have so much potential.

for his sake - if nothing else - i don't want to waste my life.

the clock keeps ticking. time keeps passing.

but i'm not moving.

when i was a little girl i got lost at sea world. i was climbing through some big climbing ropes/net obstacle course thing with my dad and we got separated. i tried to find him and got myself even more lost in the process. i was so scared. and finally out of exasperation i sat down in the middle of the ropes/net obstacle course and waited, knowing my dad would come for me. he had to. mother always taught us to stay put if we got lost. and you know what? he found me. and i had never been so happy to see him. he took my hand and showed me the way out of the obstacle course and i was no longer lost. i was safe.