okay all you wise people who read this blog...i need some advice.
i have a car.
i also have friends.
i have some friends who have cars and some who do not have cars.
honestly, i think that if i did not have a car, i would have less friends.
i don't mind giving people rides. i really don't. if i'm going somewhere anyway and they'd like to come along that's fine! great! the problem comes when i am consistently being inconvenienced.
i have one friend in particular that i am struggling with right now. this individual is very sensitive and tends to overanalyze and read too deep into things and is very easily offended. this individual also lives a minimalist lifestyle - doesn't purchase what she does not absolutely need and prefers to borrow/rely on other people for things. she does not have a problem asking for something even if she knows it will really inconveinience someone.
there are often times when this friend and i will hang out at my appartment until late in the evening until just before curfew. when we first started doing this she would ask me if i would be willing to drive her back to her dorm (5-10 min drive across campus). this would require me to give up whatever parking space i had in the small lot, drive her back, and hunt for a new parking space upon my return, end up parking as far away as i possibly could and then walking back alone in the cold to my appartment and be late for curfew. i finally told her that no i could not drive her back anymore. she would have to walk or take the bus (not that bluntly of course). she said she understood, but since i know this person very well i could tell that deep down she was hurt. even now when we hang out up until curfew, she'll get ready to go and say little things that i know are intended to manipulate me into giving her a ride. "wow it's really cold out tonight. i've got a long walk ahead of me." so then i reply with "oh do you want to borrow an extra sweatshirt?"
things like this happen all the time though. she constantly hints at and alludes to me driving places. it's not just tagging along to things either. it's like "hey can i come hang out at your appartment and study with you? okay. well let's see. how am i gonna get there? i've got my bookbag and i'm not supposed to be lifting a lot because of my back..." (she has back issues. another story for another time). but i'm not just running out and about and can pick her up on my way. it would require me making a special trip.
if it were any other person i would haven't a problem saying something to them. but because this person is so emotionally sensitive and overanalyzes everything i feel like i'm walking on eggshells because i don't want her to get upset or be hurt. yes, i know how it is to live at college and not have a car. i've been there. i don't mind helping her out, but when it's at a constant inconveinence to me shouldn't i have a right to say no? i feel like she shouldn't even be asking if it's clear that it's going to send me out of my way. when i was in that situation i would never have done that to someone. i feel like i shouldn't have a problem saying no, but yet when i do i feel like i've done something bad because i know she doesn't like it and i don't want to make her upset.
i was talking to one of my other friends (who has a car and is in the same situation) and we both feel like we're back in junior high. beyond the car thing, there is so much unspoken drama going on because of this person and their unstable emotions. like today i planned to go do something with two friends, her not being one of them. we had decided we just wanted it to be the 3 of us so we didn't tell her about it...until we ended up in a situation where we couldn't lie to her. one of the people i was with took her aside and explaine the situation to her - that the 3 of us had planned to do something and to please not be hurt that we didn't invite her as well. blah blah blah - and of course she said she was fine. but those of us who know her well knew that she was NOT okay with it.
i guess i just don't know what to do. i feel like i'm constantly obligated to please her simply because she'll be hurt if i don't. i want to treat her the way i would want to be treated, but sometimes the way she wants to be treated isn't the way i would expect someone to treat me. does that make sense? hope so. i feel like our friendship is strained right now and i would really hate to see something so stupid as this ruin it.
i'm praying...but i don't really know what to pray.
3 comments:
Well, I am a faithful blog reader but not sure I am so wise. However, I will respond anyway. :-)
For me, there has always been a tension between loving others to the point of inconvenience and setting/keeping boundaries. We see evidence of both in scripture. Jesus loved waaaaaay past convenience. But on the other hand, he also withdrew from the crowd on a regular basis in order to have private time with God. You are not responsible for this friend's happiness or well being. At the same time, God commands you to love her as you love yourself. If you choose to love sacrificially, she is not manipulating you. While I cannot and would not tell you what to do, I can (and will) pray for you to know God's heart on this matter.
Spirituality aside, don't you hate it when junior high drama hits? Sorry for you about that! And I'm sorry to say that the drama occasionally pops up even in my 40's. Ugh.
you can always use the excuse (the true excuse) that your bank account is very low this second semester until you can work this summer, and you have to watch every penny and that means using your gas wisely.
it sounds like she grew up in a home where manipulation was permitted or overlooked.
you're a nice person and i love you.
that is quite a problem...
hmm i agree we should love as christ and he does so sacrificially. but there is a difference between loving as christ and being used. i'm sure she is a good friend of yours, but since i think she should be loving sacrificially as well she shouldn't keep taking and taking from you like that. but like you, i would find it difficult to talk about w/ her if she is so emotional.
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