something beautiful

today i was driving home from work in the middle of the afternoon. the sky was blue with big white puffy clouds, the sun was shining, and there were exactly 5 cars on the expressway. it was a good day to be driving. one where you don't really know how much time has passed, where you get in the zone and just get lost in thought (all the while paying very close attention to the road and traffic ;) - madre).

i was taking in the beautiful day and started thinking about heaven. about how this must just be a taste of it. and how my dad is in the midst of it. and how heaven is truly what we were made for. all the angst and frustration i feel is so terrible because it goes against who i am deep down inside.

and as i was driving and thinking about heaven, i suddenly felt an overwhelming sensation of...

satisfaction
completeness
wholeness

something i haven't felt in a long time. it only lasted for a moment, but i was reminded of what it felt like to not be angst-y. this past year i've had so much frustration trying to figure out how to do life. i'm struggling to figure out God's path for my life and all the while trying desperately to not compare myself to my peers who's lives are following a more typical path than mine. God has promised faithfulness and asked me to trust him but we all know that is not always easy :)

lately i've been more tuned in to all this i guess. i've been out of school for a year and yet i still feel like Rapunzel trapped in her tower, waiting for her life to just start. but really i think it has started - just not in the way i would've expected.

i remember getting that feeling - like i had when i was driving - when i would sing and worship. not when i was leading, but when i was just out in the crowd having my own personal God time. or when i'd journal my prayers, listening for the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart. it felt so right. so perfect. so complete. like all the empty spaces of unanswered questions in me were all filled up.

in a way i feel like my life is at a standstill. and in a way i think it's moving quicker than i realize. but regardless, i feel like something is missing. like i'm waiting for something to just happen. i don't know if God is trying to do something in me or if i'm supposed to pursue something or what. i just know that i am restless.

i resonated with a lyric today (shocker!)

this is my desire:
consume me like a fire
cause i just want
something beautiful to touch me
i know that i'm in reach
cause i am down on my knees
waiting for something beautiful

and then (this one convicted me!)
in a daydream i wouldn't live like this
i wouldn't stop until i found something beautiful

if i was in a daydream - a state of mind where everything was perfect - my life would NOT be the way it is now. i'm not talking about circumstances. just that i would know there was something greater and would be striving and doing everything in my power to attain it.

not sure what this means for me or what lesson God is trying to show me. i just know that i want that close-to-God feeling to be allthetime and not just for a few fleeting moments here and there...